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双语美文:朋友,想说分手不容易....

文章发布时间:2015/5/28 22:44:54


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Linda Lajterman suffered one of the worst experiences of her life while on a cruise with her husband and two other couples. Halfway through the trip, one of her friends stopped talking to her -- for good.
  琳达?拉哲特曼(Linda Lajterman)在与丈夫和另外两对夫妇乘船游览的时候遭遇了她这辈子最不愉快的经历。半路上,她的一个朋友不理她了,而且永远不理她了。

  Ms. Lajterman says she has no idea what prompted the woman, who was one of her best friends, to cut her off. They helped take care of each other's kids, celebrated family events together and shared confidences. After the cruise, which took place a few years ago, she called her friend and asked for an explanation, but received none. She says she was devastated.
  拉哲特曼说,她不知道是什么事让最好的朋友和她绝交了。她们曾帮对方照看小孩,一起举办家庭庆祝活动,分享秘密。在旅行过后,她打电话给那个朋友,请她作出解释,不过对方什么也没说。这已经是几年前的事了。拉哲特曼说,她因此感到很伤心。

  'I would have welcomed the opportunity to apologize or discuss it if I did anything wrong,' says Ms. Lajterman, a 52-year-old nurse from Ramsey, N.J. 'Instead, it took me three self-help books and two years to make peace with the fact that someone I thought was a good friend ended our friendship.'
  现年52岁的拉哲特曼是新泽西州拉姆齐的一名护士。她说,如果是我做错了什么事,我希望有机会道歉,或者和她好好谈谈。相反,我却是在读了三本自助书,花了两年的时间后才让自己接受了这个事实──我以为是好朋友的人和我绝交了。

  There are 50 ways to leave your lover, according to Paul Simon. But how many ways are there to leave a friend?
  正如保罗?西蒙(Paul Simon)在歌中唱到的,离开情人的方法有50种。不过,离开朋友的方法有多少种呢?

  I know, it's a terrible question. But think about it: Some of the worst breakups in our lives are not with romantic partners. They are with friends -- the people with whom we often share our deepest thoughts. Friends provide guidance, encouragement, laughter and a refuge. Losing a good friend can be one of the saddest experiences in life.
  我知道,这个问题很可怕。不过好好想想:我们人生中最糟糕的分手经历有些并不是和情人之间。有些是和朋友──那些我们经常分享自己内心深处想法的人。朋友能够给你指引、鼓励、欢笑和避风港。失去一个好朋友有可能是一辈子最让人难过的经历之一。

  And yet, many friendships just don't last. Some simply fizzle out, victims of routine life events such as moves, job changes, divorce or a divergence of interests.
  不过,很多友谊就是无法持久。有些是无疾而终,成为搬家、工作变动、离婚和兴趣不同等普通人生过程的牺牲品。

  Others end badly. Rob Wilson, 53, a writer in Atlanta, saw a 12-year friendship abruptly end after he mentioned he was voting for George W. Bush in the 2004 presidential election. Arthur Newton, 46, a hotel manager from Austin, Texas, had a female friend tell him she couldn't hang out with him anymore because her husband was jealous.
  有些则是不欢而散。53岁的罗伯?威尔逊(Rob Wilson)是亚特兰大的一位作家。在2004年的总统大选中,他向朋友提到自己投了布什(George W. Bush)的票,之后两人之间12年的友谊就戛然而止了。得克萨斯州奥斯汀46岁的酒店经理亚瑟?牛顿(Arthur Newton)的一个女性朋友告诉他,因为她丈夫嫉妒,所以她无法继续和他做朋友了。

  Michael Hassard watched a good friend run away from him -- literally. He had heard his pal had begun dating his ex-girlfriend, so Mr. Hassard, 39, a NASA engineer from Muscle Shoals, Ala., approached him in church one day to ask about it. But before he could speak, his friend turned and fled down a hallway, out the door and into his car. He and his former buddy never spoke again.
  迈克尔?哈萨德(Michael Hassard)眼睁睁地看着他的一个好朋友从他身边跑掉了。哈萨德39岁,是驻阿拉巴马州的一名美国国家航空及太空总署(NASA)工程师。他听说朋友开始与自己的前女友约会,所以有一天他在教堂见到他时,想上前问个究竟。可是还没等他开口,朋友就转身沿着走廊跑掉了,跑到门外之后进了自己的车。两人从此再没说过话。

  Friendships are such a nuanced and intriguing relationship that we even follow celebrity friend breakups, as we do their romances. Why else would we care about Mariana Pasternak but for her tell-all book about her former friendship with Martha Stewart, which ended after Ms. Pasternak testified at Ms. Stewart's 2004 trial.
  友谊是一种微妙而动人的关系,我们甚至会像关注名人情侣分手一样关注名人朋友分手。如果不是玛丽安娜?巴斯特纳克(Mariana Pasternak)那本有关她和“家政女皇”玛莎?斯图尔特(Martha Stewart)从前友谊的“全揭秘”书,我们又怎么会关注她呢?2004年斯图尔特受审时,巴斯特纳克曾出庭作证,之后两人的友谊就结束了。

  'It's a myth that friendships last forever,' says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist, professor of psychiatry at New York University's medical school and author of 'Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.' We are tied to our family by blood and our spouses by law, so we are often more attentive to those relationships. 'Friendships are relationships of choice, so we tend to overlook them,' she says.
  纽约大学医学院精神病学教授、心理学家艾琳?莱文(Irene S. Levine)说,友谊地久天长的说法纯粹是天方夜谭。她曾著有《永远都是好朋友》(Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend)一书。她说,我们与家人之间靠血缘关系维系,和配偶之间靠法律关系维系,所以我们对家人和配偶更用心;友谊则是你选择的,所以我们往往会忽视。

  As a result, many friendships die from neglect, Dr. Levine says. And this in itself poses a very sticky problem in friendship breakups: How do you know if you're being neglected -- or dumped? What if your friend is always too busy to get together but always seems to have a good excuse? What if she never calls you, but seems happy enough to hear from you when you call?
  莱文说,结果就造成很多友谊因为忽视而告终。这本身就给朋友之间的分手带来了一个非常棘手的问题:你如何知道自己被忽视了,或被“抛弃”了?如果你的朋友总是看起来忙得无法和你见面,又总是看起来有很好的理由怎么办?如果她从来不给你打电话,但在你打给她的时候看起来很高兴呢?

  And there's the rub. There are no rules or even societal norms for friendship breakups. Friends who want to split don't go to counseling or get a mediator or a lawyer, as divorcing couples do. And there typically aren't a bunch of nosy relatives willing to intervene and relay messages, as there are when a split is within a family.
  问题是,对于朋友之间的分手,并没有什么规则可言,甚至没有社交惯例可循。要分手的朋友不会像离婚的夫妻一样去找顾问咨询,或是找个调解人或律师。与夫妻分手不同的时,朋友分手通常也没有一大群叽叽喳喳的亲戚想要干预或在中间传话。

  Also, dissolving a friendship is harder than ever these days, with so many digital ties holding us together, from social-networking Web sites like Facebook to stored numbers in cellphones.
  此外,与朋友分手如今变得比以往更难了,因为有那么多的数字纽带将我们连在一起,从Facebook等社交网站到手机上存储的电话号码。

  Dave Nadkarni can tell you all about it. When he decided to end a relationship a few years ago with a close female friend he felt was spreading rumors about him, he stopped returning her calls, defriended her on Facebook, blocked her on his instant-message list, stopped following her on Twitter and changed her name in his cellphone to 'Do Not Pick Up.' 'It was cathartic,' he says.
  大卫?纳德卡尼(Dave Nadkarni)对此深有感触。几年前他决定和一位他觉得说自己坏话的红颜知己绝交的时候,他不回她的电话,在Facebook不再把她列为好友,在即时消息名单上把她屏蔽掉,不再关注她的“推文”,把手机中她的名字改成了“不要接听”。他说,这真像是来了一场大扫除。

  But it didn't work. His friend got the hint and stopped calling him, and he has successfully avoided seeing her in real life. But he still runs into her constantly online, every time a mutual friend retweets her Twitter posts or she leaves a comment on a mutual Facebook friend's status update.
  不过却没有用。他的那个女性朋友明白了他的暗示,不再给他打电话,现实生活中他也成功地得以避免再见到她。不过他仍会经常在网上碰到她,比如每次他们共同的朋友把她的“推文”转给他,或是她在共同的Facebook朋友的状态更新中留言的时候。

  'It sucks,' says Mr. Nadkarni, 29, a sales rep for a security company in Las Vegas. 'It's like the dog that's stuck on your leg that you can't shake off.'
  现年29岁的纳德卡尼是拉斯维加斯一家安保公司的销售代表。他说,太糟糕了,就像是一只咬着你腿不放、你怎么都摆脱不掉的狗。

  So how do you finish off a friendship? Are some ways better than others?
  你是如何结束一场友谊的?有没有什么好的分手方法?

  Psychologists recommend ending a friendship in a way that avoids collateral damage with mutual friends, spouses and coworkers, and allows you to start it up again later, if you want. So don't hurl insults. Don't assign blame. Try to be polite.
  心理学家建议,结束友谊的方式要尽量避免给共同的朋友、配偶和同事造成连带伤害,还要为你以后一旦想要恢复交往留下余地。所以,不要大声谩骂,不要怪罪对方,而是要尽量保持礼貌。

  Here are some tips:
  以下提供一些建议:

  -- Take a deep breath. If you're mad, give yourself time to calm down. You want to be sure you really want to end the friendship.
  --深吸一口气。如果你快气疯了,给自己时间冷静下来。你要确定自己真的想要结束两人之间的友谊。

  -- Try a temporary separation. you might find you miss each other and want to get back together. Hey, it has worked for married couples.
  --尝试暂时分开。你可能会发现你们都想念对方,希望恢复交往。至少这种方法对夫妻是有效的。

  -- Lie. Claim to be super busy -- blame work or the kids. the experts are with me on this. They say the time to be up-front and honest with your friends is before a breakup.
  --善意的谎言。说自己忙得不可开交,就说工作太忙或孩子需要照顾。在这点上,专家们和我的看法是一致的。他们说,真要到了分手的时候,你再对朋友直截了当地说实话。

  -- Go slowly, especially if it's a close relationship.
  --慢慢来,特别是如果你们是非常要好的朋友。

  -- Foist your unwanted friend off on another friend. friends of mine have used this strategy on me before. (They know who They are.)
  --把自己要绝交的朋友塞给另外一个朋友。我的朋友就曾对我用过这个方法。(谁做的谁知道。)

  -- Become a Facebook pest. I have a gay friend who has had much success getting rid of bigoted high school friends by making his status updates as flamboyant and politically charged as possible.
  --成为Facebook上的讨人嫌。我有一个朋友是同性恋,他成功地摆脱了顽固不化的高中朋友,他的方法就是把自己的状态更新尽量弄得花哨、充满政治色彩。

  -- Issue an ultimatum -- but be prepared to lose your friends.
  --发最后通牒,不过你要准备好失去你的朋友。

  That's what happened to Nelson De Sousa. Last spring, he repeatedly got into heated arguments with his two best friends from high school, whom he been close to for more than 20 years. He felt they were too sympathetic to his wife's point of view after his divorce. In one day, he screamed at them both on the phone. Each of them hung up on him.
  尼尔森?德索萨(Nelson De Sousa)就有这样的遭遇。去年春天,他和高中时两个最要好的朋友时常陷入激烈的争吵──他们已经是20多年的朋友了。他感觉在自己离婚之后,他们过于同情他妻子的观点。终于有一天,他在电话中冲着两人都大叫了。两个人都挂了他的电话。

  For months after that, Mr. De Sousa says there was a 'cold war atmosphere' in the friendship. When he called his friends, they often refused to pick up the phone. When they did, they were icy to him.
  德索萨说,之后好几个月,他们的友谊都处于冷战气氛。当他打电话给他们的时候,对方常常拒绝接听。即使是接了,对他的态度也是冷冰冰的。

  Finally, he'd had enough. So he left a message for each one of them on their home phones: 'Tag, you're it. I'm not playing this game anymore. The ball is in your court.' That was last August. He hasn't heard from them since.
  最后,他受够了。所以,他分别在两人家里的电话上留言说,好吧,我不再玩这个游戏了,球现在在你那半场了。这件事是去年8月份发生的,之后他再也没有收到过他们的消息。

  Now Mr. De Sousa can't hear any music by bands that were big when he was in high school, such as Duran Duran, New Order, R.E.M. or James, without feeling sad. And to make matters worse, he got engaged last week and would love to share the news with his old friends.
  现在,德索萨每每听到高中时热门乐队演奏的音乐,比如杜兰杜兰(Duran Duran)、New Order、R.E.M.或是James,就会感到伤心。更糟糕的是,上周他订婚了,他真想和自己的老朋友分享这个好消息。

  'I was the cutter-offer,' says Mr. De Sousa, 37, a trade compliance manager from Union, N.J. 'But perhaps it wasn't the best strategy.'
  德索萨37岁,是新泽西州的一名贸易合规经理。他说,是我和他们一刀两断了,但或许这并不是最好的策略。


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